When you face a parenting dilemma,
ask yourself these things.
1. Is this a character issue, or merely a matter of preference without
moral significance? Is the issue related in any way to one of the Six
Pillars of Character? If so, it's a matter of character.
2. Am I properly teaching the Pillar of Character related to this issue?
• Do I clearly and simply explain the issue at hand?
• Do I clearly and concretely present the dos and don'ts of the expected behavior related to the issue? (Demonstrate to them if necessary, so there is no question about acceptable behavior.)
• Let the child ask questions to clarify his understanding of the behavior you expect.
• Give the child an opportunity to practice or rehearse the behavior you expect, until he is able to demonstrate it.
• Provide examples of people who display the expected behavior. Encourage your child to watch them to see the good results of their behavior. (But don't compare your child to other people! Observe the rewards that come to other people who practice the behavior.)
• Praise, hug and show genuine appreciation when your child demonstrates the conduct you expect.
• Discuss the good behavior. What did he do? How difficult was it to do the right thing? What results did he notice?
• Let him share ways he can use the good behavior in future similar situations.
• Get an agreement on plans for the good behavior in future situations.
• Seal the agreement with a handshake or "high five."
3. Check yourself for mixed signals you may be sending. Everything you do sends a message about who you are and what really matters in your life. Young people watch the lessons we teach with our lives. Those are the real lessons they learn.
• Do you, for instance, say, "Tell the truth," and then say, "Tell them I'm not here," when the phone rings?
• Do you say, "Don't steal," while you have a drawer full of pens and pencils from the office?
• Do you say, "Obey the rules," yet exceed the speed limits?
• Do you litter, but expect your child to keep his room clean?
4. Establish clear, reasonable rules.
5. Enforce those rules consistently. If a child "gets by" with
rule breaking once, she knows she can do it again without consequence.
Provide reasonable, behavior-related, age-appropriate consequences for
rule breaking.
6. Remind the child of your expectations for behavior. Jewish mothers
in ancient days put reminders of the rules on doors, signs, posts and
walls. Modern moms (and dads) might post rules on refrigerator doors.
7. Model the Six Pillars of Character yourself, and surround your family
with people who demonstrate good character.
8. Seek advice from parents whose children model desired behavior.
9. If necessary, withhold privileges (such as television or computer time)
or use a "time out" or "grounding" period until your
child can act appropriately.
10. Use this decision-making model in your own decisions.
• Who are the stakeholders that will be impacted by my decision?
• Is it T.R.R.F.C.C. behavior? (That is, does it show trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring and good citizenship?)
• Am I letting my personal values, wants and needs get in the way of my good character? (Is friendship, selfishness, fame, fun, money, "stuff" or pride keeping me from being T.R.R.F.C.C.?)
• What choice will be best for the most people in the long run?
